Ka Ho'olaulea Polenekia Pakipika Mea Mokupuni

I ke-ia kakahiaka ua hele au i ka Ho'olaulea Polenekia Pakipika Mea Mokupuni.  Eia kekahi mau ki'i.

I got to crying this morning, crying for relief, that it is (or seems to be anyway) all over.  The horror is gone.  I may be OK.  How terrified I was, what a head fuck the diagnosis is.  Hate the body, just seething unremitting hate for being so evil, for fostering such an evil thing inside me.  Wanting nothing so much as to heart attack or stroke out in my sleep the way my dad did at age 35; once you're gone you're gone.  Its been a horror.  It is a huge unspeakable emotional relief to turn lose of it.  And I have heard of two guys who are doing very badly with it.  One actually, the other one is already gone.  Last Dr. appointment the radiation doctor said cholesterol would be a bigger problem for me than It.  Wow do I hope he is right.  Driving up the road to the place, I used to go up with pals just to surf, just for fun, a few hours of goofing around riding waves, and then for over a month to get cured of It, quite a change.  Haven't been in the water all summer and now summer is ending.  Much less energy with testosterone neutralized, rarely think of sex and don't lalahu or lea or pikoikoi, kind of terrified, it might mean testosterone and that might mean death and pain.  it lands on your spine my God.  Scans showed it nowhere on my bones, thats why they did the radiation, why I was a candidate.  And now J faces it.  Marginally better numbers than mine.  I could still be in trouble.  But signs are good.  To cry not for joy, not for horror or sadness, but for relief, this horrible horror lifted from my consciousness.  Still, you gotta go sometime.  Other than going to sleep & not waking up,  or a quick stroke, heart attack, or accident or maybe an execution or getting shot, not likely, passing is by nature unpleasant , every cell wired for self preservation.

The Human Dignity Ordinance, Charlie's Story

The last check mark

Today was the last day.  The last check mark, rang the bell, hugged the staff and told them how wonderful they are, thanked them from the bottom of my heart, I got a graduation certificate.  And tonight, I treat BC to dinner for her immense kindness and support during the horror.  Seems to be all over.  The curative dose was given, I got another shot this morning, I have one of those every 3 months for the next two years, and some check ups.  The numbers were so horrible but the scans showed nothing had landed, the doctors wouldn't have done treatment if they didn't think it would work.  So I can only be hopeful.  Real hopeful.  I met some very nice people at the lounge, 85 year old Bill the retired Methodist minister, such a gentle soul, such a sweet man.  I wish him luck.  I wish us ALL luck!  Regardless of politics, regardless of anything, I wish every human being afflicted with it success.  Amen.

Hau'oli O Ka Eha O Iulai!

Tomorrow is the last day.  I guess there will be a bell ringing ceremony.  I finally saw one, they don't last long.  Everybody in the room clapped and cheered for the guy, there were hugs.  I hugged the female therapist I adore so much and whose name escapes me, yesterday, told them they were all wonderful, and they are.  Its a temple of healing.  They give people back their lives.  They ARE wonderful.  So it is a happy 4th.  I will treat BC to dinner tomorrow night, if she's up for it, as thanks for her kindness and love and support.

And now one of my favorite passages anywhere, from the book "Hawaii" which S. Gavin said I would love and which I have, she was oh so right.  The opening paragraphs, majestic poetry honoring the ocean we love so much...

     Millions upon millions of years ago, when the continents were already formed and the principal features of the earth had been decided, there existed, then as now, one aspect of the world that dwarfwed all others.  It was a mighty ocean, resting uneasily to the east of the largest continent, a restless ever-changing, gigantic body of water that would later be described as pacific.

     Over its brooding surface immense winds swept back and forth, whipping the waters into towering waves that crashed down on the world's seacoasts, tearing away rocks and eroding the land.  In its dark bosom, strange life was beginning to form, minute at first, then gradually of a structure now lost even to memory.  Upon its farthest reaches birds with enormous wings came to rest, and then flew on.

     Agitated by a moon stronger then then now, immense tides ripped across this tremendous ocean, keeping it in a state of torment.  Since no great amounts of sand had yet been built, the waters where they reached the shore were universally dark, black as night and fearful.

     Scores of millions of years before man had risen from the shores of the ocean to perceive its grandeur and to venture forth upon its turbulent waves, this eternal sea existed, larger than any other of the earth's features, vaster than the sister oceans combined, wild, terrifying in its immensity and imperative in its universal role.

     How utterly vast it was!  How its surges modified the very balance of the earth!  How completely lonely it was, hidden in the darkness of night or burning in the dazzling power of a younger sun than ours.

     At recurring intervals the ocean grew cold.  Ice piled up along its extremities, and so pulled vast amounts of water from the sea, so that the wandering shoreline of the continents sometimes jutted miles farther out than before.  Then, for a hundred thousand years, the ceaseless ocean would tear at the exposed shelf of the continents, grinding rocks into sand and incubating new life.

     Later, the fantastic accumulations of ice would melt, setting cold waters free to join the heaving ocean, and the coasts of the continents would lie submerged.  Now the restless energy of the sea deposited upon the ocean bed layers of silt and skeletons and salt.  For a million years the ocean would build soil, and then the ice would return; the waters would draw away; the land would lie exposed.  Winds from the north and south would howl across the empty seas and lash stupendous waves upon the shattering shore.  Thus the ocean continued its alternate building and tearing down.

     master of life, guardian of the shorelines, regulator of temperatures and heaving sculptor of mountains, the great ocean existed.

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Do you see why I love that book so much?  Its beautiful, powerful poetry, the words flow like a stream, the topic is majestic and the words that describe it are, too.  It is a beautiful book.  I bet I have read "Hawaii" seven times, maybe more.  The characters are so real, so beautiful; Marama and Tereoro, Malama, Keoki, Kelolo, Abner, Jerusha, Rafer, and Dr. Whipple.  Nyuk Tsin and Kee Mun Ki, all the Kee hui, Kamajiro Sakagawa, and Hoxworth.  Michener was a true scholar to discover the human history of Hawai'i and an ingenious story teller to tell the tales so well.  The human struggles are epic, from the first canoes to reach Hawai'i, to the missionary boats, the struggles of the Chinese and of the Japanese immigrants, it is just a vast tale spanning centuries.

From time to time I have translated a paragraph here and there into Hawaiian to the best of my ability.  I love the Hawaiian language.  Who wouldn't?  How could you not?  I am glad to be doing my very small part to keep it alive, to further it, to preserve it for future generations, the world would be much poorer without this beautiful language and it is the backbone of a worthy and noble culture.

Now that the great horror over the disease may be abating, for tomorrow the last check mark goes on the chart, I may have it in my head to return to blogging in Hawaiian.  Nobody lives forever.  I am 66.  Even if the disease comes back I might live to 70 and if it doesn't...well who knows?  Who the hell knows?  Any minute could be one's last.  A friend I made at the "lounge" is Bill, 85, a retired Methodist minister.  You would never believe he could be so old, his mind is sharp as a whip, his attitude is positive and calm with a gentle humor.  Its a convivial bunch up there.  I will close for now, aloha.

Almost Done

Almost done, down to 7 days, I end on July 5.  I have not only become used to it but it gives me some confidence that they are killing the god damn thing.  I certainly hope so.  I was soooooooo terrified the first days then one day realized MY GOD I am USED to this and its been pretty routine since except for mimi becoming more pa'akiki but the flomax huaale make that almost normal.  So once it ends, if it worked it worked and if not I am history one way or another.  Charlyne has been an angel, accompanying me almost every day.  She missed a few weeks while in Hawai'i but that is understandable.  Boy, is that understandable.  The check marks fill the first page, I begin the second page.  Its a miracle that such an advanced treatment center is only 15 miles up the road, one of the best in the world.  Doctors remain confident.  But no guarantees.  I have horrible numbers but nothing showed up on the bone scans, the hormone, I was told, would kill any of it that did get out.  My fondest dream remains to just not wake up some morning soon, life is a horror.  Yet today the supreme ct basically legalized gay marriage and flushed DOMA down the toilet, I walked out the pier and looked out to about where we put Charlie's ashes in the ocean.  Its so frustrating:  a news story yesterday about a new Alzheimers treatment being tried at UC, where Charlie was on the list as a potential test subject, and the treatment is considered highly promising, if he only could have held on 2 more years he might have been saved, not just saved, but restored to the bright, intelligent, humorous, lovable, enormously competent Charlie he was.  I wonder if there is another side, I wonder if I will see him on the other side, I sure hope so.  I'd love to be taking another long, long drive up I 5 to Oakland to visit Steve & Pat, just not even talking but kind of grooving.  We had so many great trips, wow:  New Zealand, New York, the cross country drives, Hawai'i more times than I could count, but it is those oh so frequent drives up 5 that somehow ring my bell.  I miss cuddling, I miss putting my head on his chest and just listening to his heart pump, his breathing, I miss all our joking around.  My GOD I was lucky to have been Charlie's spouse, it was wonderful being married.  So yes I hope other gay folk find the same joy we enjoyed.  I only wish we both had gotten at least another 10 years together.  At least.

Oh I was more or less a model for officials from the Varian company today who observed a treatment with me as the subject.  The nice gal (I really should know her name, she is wonderful!!) said I had been great.  How nice.  There is a little bell ringing ceremony at the end of treatment, I have heard a few but never witnessed one, Charlyne said she tears up, I wonder how mine will be.  I am so thankful to those people, the staff, the doctors.  Can't put the depth of my appreciation into words.

13 Sessions Left

Down to 13 sessions.  Seemed like it would never end but now it is coming to an end.  I felt so horrified, so terrified the first few times then one day realized I was used to it.  Actually the radiation is nothing to be scared of, obviously its the disease.  And I hope to Christ the radiation is working on the disease.  These days getting the treatment makes me feel rather secure actually, knowing the damn thing is being killed.  Once treatment is over I am cut loose, that was the best shot, if it worked, great, if not a chapter of inevitable decline and pain begins.  As a youth I read the obituary of President Pompidou of France and the quote "I never imagined such pain was possible" has always terrified me since then.  I keep playing the brain tapes:  how can God hate me so much?  He never gave it to Hitler or Stalin or Mao or the guy in Cleveland who kidnapped those girls and raped them then beat them up to make them abort after they became pregnant.  No, he saved his hate for me, he was just fine with Hitler and Stalin and Mao and the guy in Cleveland.  Irrational.  Obviously.  I will be on hormones for 2 years after radiation.  Odd, I have zero interest in sex any more, its about as interesting as memorizing a phone book.  My best dream, the greatest hope of my life is to just not wake up some morning.

When I was a kid the biggest concern was the next wave.  Its been a great life.  But I'd rather just go to sleep and not wake up, the horror if just too...horrible.