Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Almost Done

Almost done, down to 7 days, I end on July 5.  I have not only become used to it but it gives me some confidence that they are killing the god damn thing.  I certainly hope so.  I was soooooooo terrified the first days then one day realized MY GOD I am USED to this and its been pretty routine since except for mimi becoming more pa'akiki but the flomax huaale make that almost normal.  So once it ends, if it worked it worked and if not I am history one way or another.  Charlyne has been an angel, accompanying me almost every day.  She missed a few weeks while in Hawai'i but that is understandable.  Boy, is that understandable.  The check marks fill the first page, I begin the second page.  Its a miracle that such an advanced treatment center is only 15 miles up the road, one of the best in the world.  Doctors remain confident.  But no guarantees.  I have horrible numbers but nothing showed up on the bone scans, the hormone, I was told, would kill any of it that did get out.  My fondest dream remains to just not wake up some morning soon, life is a horror.  Yet today the supreme ct basically legalized gay marriage and flushed DOMA down the toilet, I walked out the pier and looked out to about where we put Charlie's ashes in the ocean.  Its so frustrating:  a news story yesterday about a new Alzheimers treatment being tried at UC, where Charlie was on the list as a potential test subject, and the treatment is considered highly promising, if he only could have held on 2 more years he might have been saved, not just saved, but restored to the bright, intelligent, humorous, lovable, enormously competent Charlie he was.  I wonder if there is another side, I wonder if I will see him on the other side, I sure hope so.  I'd love to be taking another long, long drive up I 5 to Oakland to visit Steve & Pat, just not even talking but kind of grooving.  We had so many great trips, wow:  New Zealand, New York, the cross country drives, Hawai'i more times than I could count, but it is those oh so frequent drives up 5 that somehow ring my bell.  I miss cuddling, I miss putting my head on his chest and just listening to his heart pump, his breathing, I miss all our joking around.  My GOD I was lucky to have been Charlie's spouse, it was wonderful being married.  So yes I hope other gay folk find the same joy we enjoyed.  I only wish we both had gotten at least another 10 years together.  At least.

Oh I was more or less a model for officials from the Varian company today who observed a treatment with me as the subject.  The nice gal (I really should know her name, she is wonderful!!) said I had been great.  How nice.  There is a little bell ringing ceremony at the end of treatment, I have heard a few but never witnessed one, Charlyne said she tears up, I wonder how mine will be.  I am so thankful to those people, the staff, the doctors.  Can't put the depth of my appreciation into words.

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