Down to 13 sessions. Seemed like it would never end but now it is coming to an end. I felt so horrified, so terrified the first few times then one day realized I was used to it. Actually the radiation is nothing to be scared of, obviously its the disease. And I hope to Christ the radiation is working on the disease. These days getting the treatment makes me feel rather secure actually, knowing the damn thing is being killed. Once treatment is over I am cut loose, that was the best shot, if it worked, great, if not a chapter of inevitable decline and pain begins. As a youth I read the obituary of President Pompidou of France and the quote "I never imagined such pain was possible" has always terrified me since then. I keep playing the brain tapes: how can God hate me so much? He never gave it to Hitler or Stalin or Mao or the guy in Cleveland who kidnapped those girls and raped them then beat them up to make them abort after they became pregnant. No, he saved his hate for me, he was just fine with Hitler and Stalin and Mao and the guy in Cleveland. Irrational. Obviously. I will be on hormones for 2 years after radiation. Odd, I have zero interest in sex any more, its about as interesting as memorizing a phone book. My best dream, the greatest hope of my life is to just not wake up some morning.
When I was a kid the biggest concern was the next wave. Its been a great life. But I'd rather just go to sleep and not wake up, the horror if just too...horrible.
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