Almost Done

Almost done, down to 7 days, I end on July 5.  I have not only become used to it but it gives me some confidence that they are killing the god damn thing.  I certainly hope so.  I was soooooooo terrified the first days then one day realized MY GOD I am USED to this and its been pretty routine since except for mimi becoming more pa'akiki but the flomax huaale make that almost normal.  So once it ends, if it worked it worked and if not I am history one way or another.  Charlyne has been an angel, accompanying me almost every day.  She missed a few weeks while in Hawai'i but that is understandable.  Boy, is that understandable.  The check marks fill the first page, I begin the second page.  Its a miracle that such an advanced treatment center is only 15 miles up the road, one of the best in the world.  Doctors remain confident.  But no guarantees.  I have horrible numbers but nothing showed up on the bone scans, the hormone, I was told, would kill any of it that did get out.  My fondest dream remains to just not wake up some morning soon, life is a horror.  Yet today the supreme ct basically legalized gay marriage and flushed DOMA down the toilet, I walked out the pier and looked out to about where we put Charlie's ashes in the ocean.  Its so frustrating:  a news story yesterday about a new Alzheimers treatment being tried at UC, where Charlie was on the list as a potential test subject, and the treatment is considered highly promising, if he only could have held on 2 more years he might have been saved, not just saved, but restored to the bright, intelligent, humorous, lovable, enormously competent Charlie he was.  I wonder if there is another side, I wonder if I will see him on the other side, I sure hope so.  I'd love to be taking another long, long drive up I 5 to Oakland to visit Steve & Pat, just not even talking but kind of grooving.  We had so many great trips, wow:  New Zealand, New York, the cross country drives, Hawai'i more times than I could count, but it is those oh so frequent drives up 5 that somehow ring my bell.  I miss cuddling, I miss putting my head on his chest and just listening to his heart pump, his breathing, I miss all our joking around.  My GOD I was lucky to have been Charlie's spouse, it was wonderful being married.  So yes I hope other gay folk find the same joy we enjoyed.  I only wish we both had gotten at least another 10 years together.  At least.

Oh I was more or less a model for officials from the Varian company today who observed a treatment with me as the subject.  The nice gal (I really should know her name, she is wonderful!!) said I had been great.  How nice.  There is a little bell ringing ceremony at the end of treatment, I have heard a few but never witnessed one, Charlyne said she tears up, I wonder how mine will be.  I am so thankful to those people, the staff, the doctors.  Can't put the depth of my appreciation into words.

13 Sessions Left

Down to 13 sessions.  Seemed like it would never end but now it is coming to an end.  I felt so horrified, so terrified the first few times then one day realized I was used to it.  Actually the radiation is nothing to be scared of, obviously its the disease.  And I hope to Christ the radiation is working on the disease.  These days getting the treatment makes me feel rather secure actually, knowing the damn thing is being killed.  Once treatment is over I am cut loose, that was the best shot, if it worked, great, if not a chapter of inevitable decline and pain begins.  As a youth I read the obituary of President Pompidou of France and the quote "I never imagined such pain was possible" has always terrified me since then.  I keep playing the brain tapes:  how can God hate me so much?  He never gave it to Hitler or Stalin or Mao or the guy in Cleveland who kidnapped those girls and raped them then beat them up to make them abort after they became pregnant.  No, he saved his hate for me, he was just fine with Hitler and Stalin and Mao and the guy in Cleveland.  Irrational.  Obviously.  I will be on hormones for 2 years after radiation.  Odd, I have zero interest in sex any more, its about as interesting as memorizing a phone book.  My best dream, the greatest hope of my life is to just not wake up some morning.

When I was a kid the biggest concern was the next wave.  Its been a great life.  But I'd rather just go to sleep and not wake up, the horror if just too...horrible.

Another Check Mark

Its another check mark, # 16 with 29 to go.  A graduation ceremony yesterday and another today.  I am amazed I am used to this.  And praying to God it works.  At worst its bought me some more time, and driving up there at 2 every afternoon then lying there for 5 minutes is not tough.  Today driving up I thought about 35 years ago being on that road,  I5.  It would have been Charlie & me going up to Black's after watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and some refreshments, for an afternoon of sun and surf and fun fun fun nude on the beach and on the yellow brick road.  And now Charlie is dead, gone for 61 weeks, and I am going up for radiation.  How the times do change.  One of the technicians was interested in seeing a photo of me sporting my huge Hendrix Afro from that era, I shall see if I can find one to show her.

From The Varian Company

The radiation machine at the Moores cancer center at UCSD.  Runs about $3 million.  I have another 30 + days to go.

You lie on that little table.  They scan you for a few minutes to make sure your innards are optimal, then the scanning panels withdraw and the star trek object circles for two minutes, side to side, I timed it.  There are two pictures taped onto the star trek object, one I never figured out, a bird trying to eat a frog with the caption "never give up!" and I couldn't tell if they were talking about the bird or the frog, and another of a little kid with THE most determined look on his face saying "You can do this!"  The fear, the terror.  And now as of this update July 4, day before my last zap, I stand in awe of the place, curing people, giving people back their lives, a temple of healing, an absolute miracle, one of the best facilities of its kind in the world only 15 miles up I 5.

Mele

E hoe, hoe, hoe 'oe kau wa'apa
ihola malie i ke kanawai
le'ale'a, le'ale'a, le'ale'a
he moe'uhane wale no o ke ola

Ka Pa-keke Helu

Ua launa maua i ke ki'i onioni "Ka Helu Pa-keke" hoku o Jack Nicholson a me Morgan Freeman.  Ho'ike'ike laua elua elemakule ma'i  nui i ka haukapila a makemake laua hana kekahi mau mea mamua kono mau  makeloa.  He ki'i onioni o oia'i'o a me ho'omake'aka.  Ua hai o Jack Nicholson ke-ia 'olelo a'o:  mai ma'alo he lua, mai ma-una he lalahu, a mai hilina'i he palali.  'Olelo a'o maika'i no na elemakule.